Muddy Water
· 9 min
I shall choose this life for me
Any day, anyway, any day, anyway, any day, anywayKing Gizzard & the Lizard Wizard -- Muddy Water
I had a bit of a moment listening to this song at full blast on a lovely Saturday morning yesterday, so it had to be my first choice. Kind of tears. Joyful boogieing around the few feet of open space in my kitchen. Just that connection to that unstoppable joy of being alive. The simple, simple, "God put a smile upon your face" joy. Pure grace.
I've heard this lyric plenty of times before, but this time it hit harder. Doing the things I enjoy, in the flow, in my "mobile home", running on sun energy, rebuilt from the ground up this past year by myself. In a beautiful part of the world that I so enjoy, spending the morning doing all of my favorite things and bringing back healthy veggies to ferment and eat for the week. And, no small amount of delicious cold brew coursing through me. The vibes were "it's a pirate's life for me" or "Bare Necessities" or Peter Pan even. Very little kiddish. Like I've somehow managed to get away with something the adults have said is not allowed or possible. I've carved out a place in this crazy, chaotic, capitalistic death cult of a world. And, it has not been easy. And, I do choose this life for me, any day, anyway..
Coming down from the mountain tops and all of the hills alive with the sound of music, there are other choices. I'm working on unmaskingAutism-pediaWhat unmasking is and how it unfoldsHow researchers and autistic adults describe unmasking, the gradual and context-dependent way it seems to happen, what makes it hard, and how it can unfold after a late diagnosis. The research on it is new and small.Read the entry →. I'm learning that I have a choice, that I have a place, that I can occupy space in all of my strangeness and alienness.
One important choice for me right now is sobriety. This seems like the right time and place to now talk about that experience I did not have the capacity for, which I introduced in my diagnosis blog. I'll get there. I've been sober for long stretches, 10 years plus, during my life when the situation needed it. I also very much value the experiences provided by certain substances. They have connected me to things that I'm not sure I would have made it to in this lifetime or many others.
However, I also believe in cycles. Attuning to the cycle at hand. This time, now, I choose to be sober. I'd already been wavering. Some certain show I want to see that would be enhanced, or a familiar experience that pairs well. But this morning dancing around completely freely to the music, I realized I want tools. I want the claro to see how my mind is working and relook at it through this new understanding. This new appreciation for my differences. This new acceptance that embrace of all of my parts. I want to be more embodied, safer, dwell in my own body.
I'm realizing something about this choice. Recently talking about my sobriety with alcohol, I've understood that it was a medicine to quiet all of the traumaAutism-pediaTrauma, PTSD and dissociationHow often autistic adults are exposed to trauma and diagnosed with PTSD, why both are missed, what dissociation adds, how thin the treatment evidence is, and the reported overlap with functional neurological disorder.Read the entry → and autistic difference. But alcohol is poor medicineAutism-pediaAlcohol, drugs and eating disordersHow common alcohol, drug and eating-disorder diagnoses are in autistic people, why some use substances to cope, why addiction and eating-disorder services often miss autism, and what adapted treatment has been tried. A research summary, not medical advice.Read the entry →. It doesn't heal; it just numbs and thus allows new, even deeper wounds to form. Well, that is assuming your relationship with alcohol is anything like mine. I understand that there are people who partake in measured amounts. I also understand that there are neurotypical folks who aren't having some of the everything all at once experiences frequently going on in my head.
I think sometimes, not always, my psychedelic friendsAutism-pediaPsychedelics and cannabisWhat trials and surveys show about cannabis and CBD, ketamine, MDMA, psilocybin and LSD in autistic people, how small that evidence still is, the drug interactions that matter, and how autistic writers describe using these substances. A research summary, not medical, dosing or legal advice.Read the entry → can play the same role. Connecting me more deeply to music and allowing it to use my body and movement to express itself. Maybe even subtly opening some of those deeper wounds though. I am prone to a lot of delusional thinking as it is. It's part of this lovely, exotic morph of a brain that I am blessed with. But, the fact is you can use the substances in place of real tools and ability at times. Wouldn't it be nicer to just develop those abilities and acquire those tools? I don't like using any substance like that. I value psychedelics for the wisdom they bring, not for any lack I want to paper over.
I want to have those experiences with music on my own. That freedom of movement. I know it's there. I know I've got some Flea, Can't Stop, in me. Maybe even some MJK. Abandon like I had this morning, spontaneous, but also with people. I want to lose all of the internal processing and anxiety, but that's not entirely realistic because I'm autistic. So maybe just understand it's there, why it is there, let it do its thing and then get on with some Can't Stop, addicted to the shindig stuff. Easier said than done. That has been immensely hard for me.
This all comes a bit full circle to King/Queen Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard and my autism diagnosis. I had one of my best RV moments driving to Field of Vision 2 in Colorado this year from California. The weird landscape expanses of Utah, the jaw dropping beauty of coming around the point at Grand Junction and around the bookshelf cliffs, tracing the river back into the most intense rainstorm I've ever seen, and deeper and deeper into foggy, forested valleys and peaks of Colorado, past the 14ers to Meadow Creek.
Arriving there though was suddenly a lot of overwhelm, realizing what I had got myself into as a solo adventurer when everybody else is partied up and partying it up. It was some autistic overwhelmAutism-pediaSensory experiences and overloadWhat over-responsivity, under-responsivity and sensory seeking are like for autistic people, how they relate to daily life, what overload, meltdown and shutdown feel like from the inside, and what research shows about changing the sensory environment.Read the entry → for sure, starting just in the lines to drive in. Having my personal space searched and my glass water bottles removed so that they don't end up broken in the fields for when the cows come home.
A few weird social interactions with my new neighbors for the three days on either side. I was already on high alert, with lots of delusional thinking running around in the background. So, time to introduce some substances and go rock out to the greatest band in the world. Checked out this guy named Stu who likes to play in small cafes, busking and Australian bush. He did his knob twiddling with a lot more bass than his usual sets and life was feeling pretty good. Chill Meadow Creek vibes and enough weirdness to allow for your own garden variety.
The show also opened so great. I met someone cool on the way in and parted ways for a time. The crowd got to Heaven after only a few songs, including a new rock version of Extinction. I could clearly see everything I could be in the music. This peaked at the electronic rendition of Magma for me, which was nothing short of shamanic. I'll get to this song later and some meanings for me in my writing prompts, but yeah, I was deep in by this time. And, then came Ambrose with Smoke & Mirrors, which honestly was the highlight of the first night, but for me it sent me into sideways space and well out of the flow. I started to get very delusional with a lot of what was going on and I did not fully appreciate the rest of the show. Then a long weird walk back with a lot of overheard stuff spinning me around.
From there the experience never really got back on track for me. I was overwhelmed with everything. But, more than anything else my own avoidant personality and the inability to make more organic connections. So much introspection and delusional meaning making. I think one take away for me is that when I am doing meaning making and getting intuitional stuff from the universe I need to recognize where my head is at. If I'm in a state of overwhelm, meltdownAutism-pediaMeltdowns and shutdownsThe outward and inward ways overload can end. How autistic people use the words and tell them apart from tantrums, where the terms came from, what the small body of research shows, and the arguments about what a meltdown is.Read the entry →, fear, anxiety, all of the additional really true messaging that I'm picking up on needs to just pass through me and back out into the universe.
I spent much of day two taking autism testsAutism-pediaSelf-identification and self-diagnosisSome adults conclude they are autistic without ever being assessed. This entry covers how many do (no representative count exists), how self-identification compares with a clinical assessment, the barriers and the disbelief, and the online diagnosis culture and its critics.Read the entry →. How did I arrive here? I can't really say. In one way it took the whole journey; in another way this was exactly the right crucible to show me some things in the starkest possible way, where I needed to take action and get answers to move forward. A week and a half later I was in my first of two long morning diagnosis sessions over Zoom. Anyway, day two for me was the best show, although listening to these back many times over, all the music is stellar. There is sooo much I missed being there that I can hear and appreciate with some mroe perspective. I watched the 2nd night on the stream in my RV having a nice dinner, curled up in bed; it was delightful. I know, I know, I'm a 15m walk to go see it live. This is music meant to be experienced live. And, yet, I needed this break. I went back for day three, but a lot of the juice had been squeezed from this for me. The opening to day three was a great Pill continuation and Sea of Trees, but hey when you're feeling underwater.. sometimes you just have to admit (apparently the lyric is end it, which is funny, but I like mine better).
Ok, that's all I've got for a Sunday morning. Time to go live some life. Thanks for listening.